How I Quit the Forest
by saucer-like
Summary: The misanthropic misadventures of Bernard Black and company. Girl meets boy. Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy likes impaled lizards. Read on.


Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, places or anything associated with Black Books. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this, now would I?!

**Chapter 1**

It was 8pm and Bernard Black sat at his desk with his head slumped over outstretched arms, trying to ward off the inevitable migraine looming on the horizon. He only lifted his head to occasionally sip on a glass of the £3.99 chardonnay that was essentially cat's piss.

He had had enough. While it was true he felt like this everyday, today he really meant it. Fran had proved to be her usual desperately promiscuous self by going on a date with some deranged creature she'd picked up off the street (or so he imagined), while Manny was busy being his usual persistently cheerful self by cleaning, cooking, washing and scrubbing the entire afternoon. It was all too much to bear.

"…And so she'll be here any minute!"

Manny had just finished his soliloquy, hurriedly sweeping and cleaning random surfaces around the shop, before approaching Bernard to wipe the desk.

"Lift your head up, please."

No response. Manny sighed.

"If you don't lift your head, I'll just clean over you."

"Fine," Bernard muttered, almost daring him.

Manny replied by wiping the desk, then using the damp, dirty cloth to wipe over Bernard's hair along with it. Bernard shot upright.

"Piss off Manny! That girl's not coming here because- because I can't trust you. You'll-you'll make a mess or something, and I'll have to clean it up in the morning. As usual, I'll be stuck with all of the work." Bernard shouted from behind the desk. Feeble excuses were all he could manage.

"Rowena _is_ coming! She's on her way. Do you want to know why, Bernard?"

"No," Bernard replied, crossing his arms and turning away in one quick motion.

"Because a hot iron pressed upon one's face does not cure hives, so you losing the bet means your needs are forfeited and I get Rowena over. It's all detailed here." From nowhere, Manny whips out and unfolds an oversized contract with Bernard's signature scrawled lazily at the bottom.

"No, you're all detailed here," Bernard retorted childishly, and began searching around for his fags.

"I'm not listening," Manny replied with a sing-song voice, in an apparent attempt to ignore him. This seemed quite contradictory to Bernard, but he continued to desperately scrabble around seeking a hit of nicotine, whilst knocking things over and spilling wine everywhere. "Where are my fags?! I bet you stole them or hid them somewhere, you- you doily-groping, soul-destroying pillock!"

"Here you are." Manny calmly picked up the packet of cigarettes that were on the floor from when Bernard had previously thrown them at him, and missed.

"Now please Bernard…please go…" It was Manny's turn at desperation.

"No…there's no giggling allowed in this shop. See?" Bernard lit his Marlboro triumphantly and pointed at the small blackboard on the wall near the front door. Manny looked over, confused. It indeed read "No Giggling".

"So what?"

"So what?! You can't just desecrate the ancient traditions and holistic rituals that have been held sacred within the confines of this shop for at least...well, a couple of years! You know what happens if you disobey- forks and eyes will collide! And you giggle whenever this-this _leech_ is within a 5-foot radius of you! It's revolting!"

Manny gasped and looked indignant. "I do not!"

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, and a startled Manny began to hop around, frantically tidying the already tidy room. Bernard threw a book at him.

"Are you panicking? Is that what you're doing?!" Bernard cried; the author suddenly invoking a moment from a previous episode.

Manny pulled his ventilator from his pocket and pumped it ferociously into his mouth, trying to breathe deeply.

"Answer the door! It might be Fran."

Bernard knew it wasn't.

"Is everything alright in there?" a small voice called timidly from outside.

Manny struggled to compose himself, trying to recall random advice from 'The Little Book of Calm'. As he opened the door he thought he was going to vomit; he'd never been so nervous.

"Hello Manny, sorry I'm late…I brought some wine."

Rowena smiled as all Manny could manage was to shakily gesture for her to come inside, and giggle inanely. Bernard rolled his eyes and hurled a shoe at him this time to make him stop. In a few short minutes, he had been able to undo Manny's hard day's work.

"Hello Bernard, how are you?" Rowena smiled weakly as she addressed him.

Bernard merely glared at her, before turning to Manny to announce his departure.

"I'm fairly certain that I would rather lay on a sweat-shop conveyor belt while an assembly line of oriental-ninja-squirrels and orangutan's with rotting dentures slowly gnawed on my body than have to watch you make more of an arse of yourself. I'm leaving."

With that he tried-and failed- to light another cigarette, while Manny and Rowena glanced at each other, unsure of what to do. Two attempts later, a frustrated Bernard managed to ignite another Marlboro, storming towards the door and snatching the bottle of sauvignon blanc from Rowena's arms as way of 'goodbye.'

A/N: This is my first story, so let me know what you think of it; whether I should continue, or if you have any ideas on where I should take it. Cheers. :)


End file.
